To Be Honest...

Do you ever find yourself censoring what you were going to say to the Lord, what you were going to pray about?

I have, more often than I’d like to admit.

Why? Because I know what He’s going to lay on my heart.

I know that my motivation is wrong.
I know that my action was wrong.
I know that what I want to do isn’t supported by scripture.
I know that He’ll require I do something that feels too hard.
I know ...
I know ...
I know ...

When I KNOW these things, I don’t want to put them into words because I’m ashamed of my old-nature self, and I’m ashamed that I don’t want to address it. Remember Adam and Eve in the garden after they ate of the fruit of the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil? Now they were aware of their nakedness and they were hiding from the Lord. That’s exactly how I feel. In the Spirit-filled part of my heart I am aware of what I’m doing wrong, and I feel naked, ashamed.

But for some reason I hang onto the wrong, usually finding ways to justify it!

So here I am in my angst-filled quandary.

I KNOW that in this instance I’m not right in the Lord’s eyes. But...

I DON’T want to admit it, yet.
I DON’T want to confess.
I DON’T want to have to repent.
Why? Because then I have to stop doing what I’m doing.

And that attacks my pride.

PRIDE! Boy-o-boy, it’s hard to admit to being wrong. It’s hard to admit it to others, but for me I even find it hard to admit some things to Jesus.

Other things, not a problem. A little burst of temper when someone cuts me off on the road? “Sorry, Lord. Forgive my angry words.” An unexpected critical judgment of another? “Forgive me Lord. Let me see him through Your eyes.” And I mean those prayers. I am contrite.

But I’ve found the times when it’s hard to admit my wrong behavior are when I've been indulging in it for awhile, when I’ve been nursing that particular mind-set, justifying my point of view, building a case for my hard-done-by self.

THAT’S when it’s hard to let go.

And I think I know why. Once I give in to the initial temptation to feel like a victim, or self-righteous, or prideful, I give the devil a toe-hold.

Jesus said, “Lead me not into temptation, but deliver me from evil”

I wish Jesus had added “IMMEDIATELY!!!!

When I’m faced with temptation I need to run NOW!
I can’t entertain the negative.
I can't indulge in my hurt feelings.
I can’t explore how the other person is in the wrong.
I can’t let sin catch hold.

Because once it does, pride comes roaring in to justify that sin. Now I have double the problem. Not only am I entertaining wrong thoughts, but my pride is protecting and encouraging those thoughts. (Sounds a bit like that serpent in the garden, doesn't it.)

It’s really hard to swallow the pride that rears up to cover that initial sin, and really hard to honestly repent from it once it’s taken hold like that.

So when I say to myself and to the Lord during prayer time, “To be honest...” I know I’m facing something that I’m vulnerable to.
Maybe it came from my past, and I haven’t taken it to the Lord to deal with it thoroughly.
Maybe it’s new, something in the present that I’m encountering for the first time.
Either way, if I don’t face it and allow the Lord to help me work through it, I can be sure it will be a temptation again in the future.

So I need to be aware, truthful, right-minded with myself and with my Jesus. I need to ask the Lord’s help so that I’ll be incorruptible each and every time this temptation comes on me.

And to be honest, while it's not easy, it’s way easier early on, when it’s just a little thought, the introduction of a temptation.

It’s SO much harder later on down the road, once it’s taken hold!

As Jesus Himself pointed out: “You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.” Matthew 7:5